[gourmandizer home][ezine menu]
are the differences (physical and spiritual) between kielbasa and Italian sausage?
(Paprika vs. Oregano) and collective guilt about the holocaust. Unless you're speaking
metaphorically about my dick.
is your reaction to the following quote?
"I'm at the age where food has
taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
- Rodney Dangerfield,1980
was my favorite American comedy until Shakes the Clown. Mr.. Dangerfield's comments
notwithstanding, my life is at the stage where work has replaced everything
else, including sex. For this reason, I feel like quitting the racket and opening
a snotty little cafe with my buddy David Yow where we can cook what we like and
serve it to a handful of discriminating guests.
you think of a way to utilize the top of a pineapple?
Associated Press style, "utilize" means "to press into service in a manner
not usual or intended." Since pineapple tops' only usual or intended uses
are to top off pineapples and Latin showgirls, anything done with one would
satisfy your question. Let's try poking one up a Spin Doctor's ass...Neat. Now
let's try sticking it in the eye of one of those tiresome "love rockers"
on the "K" label or down the throat of some dreadful New Zealander
pop whiner...Ohh, splendid! Now let's pulverize it as a source of cellulose
fiber for making paper and textiles...Not as much fun as wholesale deforestation
of old-growth timberlands. Can we force it on \the gullible music scenesters
as a fashion accessory by saying it represents the rebirth of the feminist aesthetic?...Yes!
tell us about a memorable experience you have had in a restraunt.
by "restraunt" you mean "restaurant," then I can relay the
following two anecdotes.
A: Bob Weston, his squeeze Carter Nicole Launt, their friend Tara and I were eating
at one of Chicago's many Greek bistros. One specific busboy/water glass filler/greasy
little man-of-perplexing ethnicity made it a point of brushing Nicole's boob or
shoulder when he refilled her water glass (which he did about every 22 seconds).
She noticed and we all watched him do it. Then I noticed that he was turning his
body in such a way that his actual pecker was what was rubbing her as he leaned
over. I didn't say anything, so they're reading about it for the first time.
B: Julia Child visited the kitchen of an overly snobby expensive restaurant where
a friend of mine worked. The chef there was an old acquaintance of hers, and he
was a little drunk. He was showing off to the staff, trying to impress everyone
by being chummy with The J. In the 1970's, after a bout with breast cancer, one
of Julia's boobs had been cut off, and this guy knew which one. There, in full
view of the patrons and staff, he poked a fork at her prosthetic boob and bit
at it, making mock gobbling and biting sounds.
all the bands you have worked with in the studio, which one had the most interesting
or unusual eating habits while they recorded? Please describe.
band Ut, three strange women and a hired-gun drummer, drank a ridiculous number of
medicinal herbal teas (including a sage infusion that stank like old socks),
depending on the mood that each song required and the state of their individual
hormones and menstrual cycles.
Mike Greenless, drummer of the band Tar, vomits often. He does not enjoy it, but
his stomach seems to reject any food with either color or flavor.
Polly Harvey (PJ Harvey) ate nothing but potatoes, with occasional sauces, during
the entire recording of her Rid of Me album.
KK Null of the ferocious Japanese band Zeni Geva had, over the course of a two
hour celebratory dinner, the following: whole tiny fish (raw), slimy transparent
algae strands, raw horse meat, fish sperm sacs, soup with spherical croutons made
from tofu scum ("Fu") and "Natto," a pile of uncooked rotten
moldy soybeans mixed with raw egg.
Many rock musicians are excellent cooks, I've found, and those that are prefer
to eat their own cooking in the studio. I encourage this behavior as I also enjoy
the benefits of fresh food. The best rock music chefs follow,in descending order
of excellence: Laura Fuckin' Carter (Jack o Nutz, also Bar b que Killers) is a
head chef at a gourmet restaurant in Athens, Georgia. Her best dish is Trout Wellington,
which she invented and perfected. It is a whole brook or large rainbow trout baked
in a puff pastry and served with light sauces. David Yow (The Jesus Lizard, Scratch
Acid) who has been a chef at several restaurants in Austin, Texas and Chicago.
His best dishes are Whiskey Chicken and Large Number of Vegetables Soup, both
of which he invented. Pete Conway (Flour, Rifle Sport) can make palatable food
out of anything. He wins the frugality and versatility badge. I have seen him
cook a week's worth of meals, catering to three different diets (one vegan, one
fish-sensitive and one carnivore) with nothing but a stone and two twigs in the
your last two relationships with women in terms of food.
assume you mean sexual relationships.
The woman I am currently crazy about was a vegetarian for a year until I started
dating her. As is the case with most vegetarians, she had never eaten properly
prepared meat, only commercially packaged or otherwise abused flesh. Since I really
only enjoy food ripped off the carcasses of dumber, weaker species, she got to
see a wide variety of meats prepared in many ghoulish fashions. Eventually, her
curiosity overwhelmed her, she tried some and now eats all manner of dead things.
The relationship immediately prior to that one was very short lived, and pretty
much devoid of any interaction other than a range of sexual activities, including
several that might fall under the "gourmet" or "glutton" mastheads.
Let's just say I was probably her most significant source of protein.
you could ask any animal a question about their eating experiences and get a subjective
answer, what would this question be?
really bothers me when people misuse the pronouns "they" and "their".
The non-specific third-person pronouns are "he" and "his".
If you wish to avoid offending the dogmatic imbeciles who claim such pronouns
imply cultural sexism, then change all your sentences to the plural and you
may use "they" and "their" to your coddling, timid, bleeding
It amazes me sometime the length people will go in order to take offense at something,
jettisoning perfectly understandable plain English for coquettishly popular and
faddish political reasons.
The answer to the question you thought you had posed is this: Of a dung beetle
I would ask, "Why bother?" Of a tapeworm, "Do you ever wish you
could dine in a more formal setting?"
a food related question to any dead person. We will do our best to come up with an answer.
Mencken loved hearty, simple food. He often wrote of his fondness for the shellfish
and other seafood from the Baltimore and Chesapeake bays. He fondly recounted
many memorable meals of beef and game, and wrote of his appreciation for beer
and strong liquor. He also detested snobbery and pretense. I would like to hear
his thoughts on the nouvelle cuisine, that silly cul-de-sac of bad taste which
substituted tiny food on small plates painted with sauces in place of a meal.
I would also like to hear his thoughts on the dreadful trend away from using
even moderate amounts of oil or butter in cooking. In my opinion, this sort
of dry, dismal non-cuisine is for people whose fear of their own mortality has
trumped their common sense and common senses.
[H.L. Mencken Responds]
the most enjoyable meal you have ever had.
memories spring to mind.
A: When I was 19, I worked as a T-shirt screen printer. One payday, when I could
no longer hack the horrible working conditions and minuscule pay, I quit. It took
me a week or two to find another job. The new job had a delayed pay period
that is I got paid for two weeks work after an additional two weeks passed
and I realized that I would have no vittles money for a month. I bought a huge
bag of rice and a huge bag of pinto beans, and I lived on them for a month. Four
weeks later, on the evening of my first payday, I spent about an hour in the grocery
store, picking out the most fantastic sirloin steak and vegetables, and cooked
the best meal anyone in the world had ever eaten. Then I ritualistically threw
the remainder of the rice and beans out the window and composed this song:
"The Anti-Rice and Beans League Theme"
I don't like rice (da-da da da)
I don't like beans (da-da da da)
I won't eat them together.
(I haven't knowingly eaten rice and beans at the same time since.)
B: In 1989, in Ljubljana, Yugoslavia, I ordered Steak Tartare. The Chef rolled
up a cart to our table, allowed me to select a cut of beautifully aged beef, lifted
a pair of cleavers, and with a musician's fluidity, chopped it into a puree as
smooth as butter. He then did the same with some garlic cloves, black peppercorns
and a bouquet of herbs. He then blended the ingredients with the cleavers, adding
a raw egg, a lemon segment and a bit of salt. He spiced the meat with some paprika
and spread a dab on a crouton for my approval. I don't think I have ever been
fed so graciously or eaten as well.
you have any dietary advice for young bands trying to establish themselves?
any food that comes packaged in a sauce.
Buy groceries and feed yourself, even on the road. Road food is terrible because
the roadside eateries know the feeders will be hundreds of miles away before heartburn
or diarrhea set in. For less than the cost of a Big Mac, fries and a Coke, you
can buy a loaf of fresh bread and some good cheese or roast beef, which you will
enjoy much more.
the advent of digital recording to an event in the history of food or agriculture.
is as it is now known a bastardization
of the Sauce Mayonnaise every saucier learns to make his first season as an apprentice.
Pre-packaged mayonnaise sold in jars is almost nothing but tasteless vegetable oil and
water, emulsified by gum and gelatin. I think this product is analogous in many ways to
the CD, and it's introduction has degraded the standard of eating in much the same way
digital recording has degraded the standard of music.
[gourmandizer home][ezine menu]
Here is a recipe anyone can use to make a wonderful Sauce Mayonnaise:
Into a stationary blender, crack one egg. Add an extra egg yolk, one garlic clove,
a strong quarter teaspoon of cayenne (or a teaspoon of white pepper ground very
fine) and either a slight teaspoon of salt or a tablespoon of Tamari soy sauce.
Blend at high speed until the garlic is finely divided and the egg begins to froth.
With the blender still running, trickle in good olive oil until the mayonnaise
thickens and will accept no more oil. (this will vary, but will usually be about
a cup.) Stop the blender and add a tablespoon of good vinegar OR the juice of
half a lemon. Fold the mayonnaise once or twice with a spatula, which will loosen
it considerably. Pulse the blender until the thick consistency returns. Taste
If the mayonnaise tastes oily, add more acid (vinegar or lemon juice only. Never
combine the two, as this makes for a weird bilious aftertaste). Chill covered
for at least 15 minutes. I often add a tablespoon of fresh or dried dill or thyme
at the beginning of the process. Don't add the acid at the beginning, as this
can prevent the eggs from emulsifying.